Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Never Argue with a Woman Who Reads

One beautiful morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake and fishing rules, the wife decides to take the fishing boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'

'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, isn’t that obvious?)

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her

'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing.. I'm reading'

'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'

'For reading a book,' she replies,

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her again.

'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'

'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'

'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with Sexual assault,' says the woman.

'But I haven't even touched you,' says the game warden.

'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.'

'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads.
It's likely she can also think.



sengihnampakgigi

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

First Date Horror

Don't know how true this is, but it could have happened.

Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had.

The winner described her worst first date experience. There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!

She said it was midwinter... Snowing and quite cold... And the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City , Utah .

It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and had never met before.

The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon.

They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte.

They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere!

Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for awhile.

Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car.

They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started.

In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself.

Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking.

All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation.

Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation.

As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender.

Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal.

It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem, due to the extreme cold.

Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date's concerns about 'what is taking so long' with a reply that indeed, she was 'freezing her butt off' and in need of some assistance!

He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing.

She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma..

Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem.

Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal!

Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free.

So, as she looked the other way, her first time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.

As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down. Or perhaps that should be 'pants down. '

And you thought your first date was embarrassing. Jay Leno's comment...'This give s a whole new meaning to being pissed off.'

Oh and how did the first date turn out? He became her husband and was sitting next to her on the Leno show.

If you laughed at this pass it on... if you didn't laugh, you need a better sense of humor.


sengihnampakgigi

Amazingly Simple Home Remedies

1. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

2. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

3. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

4. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

5. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

6. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache.

Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are.

You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape.

If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

Remember:

Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.

If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance.

And finally, be really nice to your family and friends. You never know when you might need them to empty your bedpan.


jelir

How To Say “I Love You” In Different Languages

I Love You.

Three magical words that lead to many great, and not so great, moments in life.

Someone submitted his version of ”I LOVE YOU” in a variety of languages.

* English………..I Love You
* Spanish………..Te Amo
* French………...Je T’aime
* German………...Ich Liebe Dich
* Japanese……...Ai Shite Imasu
* Italian………...Ti Amo
* Chinese………..Wo Ai Ni
* Swedish……....Jag Alskar Dig
* Eskimo………...Nagligivaget
* Greek…………...S’Agapo
* Hawaiian……..Aloha Wau la Oe
* Irish…………...Thaim In Grabh Leat
* Hebrew………...Ani Ohev Otakh
* Russian……...Ya Lyublyu Tyebya
* Albanian……..Une Te Dua
* Finnish………..Mina Rakkastan Sinua
* Turkish……...Seni Seviyorum
* Hungarian…….Se Ret Lay
* Persian……...Du Stet Daram
* Maltese……...Jien Inhobbok
* Catalan……...Testimo Molt
* American…...Nice Tits

gatai